Major Meltdown

Yesterday my little man turned 3 months old, and I celebrated by having a major meltdown that afternoon. I just couldn't take the fussing and crying any longer, and to put it bluntly, I freaked. Scared myself so bad that I got on the phone to my Mom (who unfortunately lives 1000s of miles from me) to cry my frustrations out. We hooked up the webcam, so she could talk to him. Of course, he was cooing and happy by then. I don't know who I scared more me, my son, or the dogs out on the deck!

Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done. I know everyone tells you that it is, but it's not a belief until your in it. I swore I was going to have this perfect (or at least close to perfect) experience, and the last 3 months have been the hardest 3 months of my entire life. I've never felt so unsure of my actions at times like I have being a mom. He's not the easy baby that I dreamed of. I love him dearly, but he is definitely a challenge at times. So much so that I'm sad to right now that I have no idea when I'll be ready to have another.

I know it will all pass, and I'll forget it all....blah, blah, blah.....like everyone keeps saying. I've started to just keep my feelings wrapped up inside because I'm tired of listening to the same patronizing advice over and over again....sorry if that sounds crude. I go back to work in 5 days, and I'm scared to death. I'm scared to leave him. I'm nervous for my husband that our little man will have a bad night or decide not to take the bottle again, and my husband's patience level will wane. Thank goodness he has help in his parents just 5 miles down the road, but it's a whole different ballgame in the middle of the night as opposed to the mid of the day. I'm afraid my milk supply will weaken because I know I'm going to be exhausted after being up all night and trying to slip sleep in the next day when my son naps for only 30-45 minutes at a time. I'm going to miss our bedtime and our wake up routine in the morning. Ugh!! I'm sure the drive in Monday night is going to be a wet one for me. God thank you for all the supportive co-workers I will have at least.

My husband must have sensed my urgency and frustration on the phone last night because he called back 15 minutes later to tell me to be ready to leave when he got home last night. He didn't care what I did. I was just to go do it by myself. (Side note: Hubby has never been left at home with our little monkey yet...don't ask!!) So I promptly got into my car and drove to Sears to make a 3 month picture appt. Then I went to the grocery store. It was so nice to be able to push the cart without having to peer around sides of the car seat to make sure you weren't going to run over some innocent bystander. I then went to grab pizza and dropped some thank yous in the mailbox at the post office. I felt halfway liberated at least.

During my outing, my friend called to see what I had planned this weekend....did I have time for a girlfriend day? I told her I'd talk to my husband and find out what the plans were. Little did I know that he had already called and talked to her. He had set up for us to have a girl day. Hallelujah!!! So he REALLY sensed the urgency in my voice. Because I didn't even hint toward this at all. I couldn't ask for a better treat right now.

I feel a bit better about myself today! I at least feel like I can tackle monkey's crankiness today and not feel like I'm going to explode. I think Sunday will be good for me. It's going to get me out with a fellow mom, and I'll be able to miss my little man. I think it will make me a better mom to miss him. And him and his dad will do fine together. They'll watch NASCAR and whatever else is on the boob tube (and my son will be okay for watching TV all day with his dad). They'll play "Standy Up" and probably let the puppy's roll on the carpet, since Mom won't be there to say "Get on your blanket!" The world will continue to revolve on its axis, and I'll hopefully come home with prettier toes and a refreshed outlook on Mommyhood.