The sweetest thing you ever did see!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Keep Breathing
i have a million and one thoughts, quotes, pics, and randoms to post, but right now i need to get this off my chest. i told myself i wasn't going to do this. i wasn't going to blog about this. i wasn't going to include this in what has become a sort of baby book for my boys. i didn't want them to see twenty years down the road that their mama was weak or felt weak anyway. but i guess, we're all human right. we have our ups and our downs. maybe it will show them that it's okay to have these moments. to let it out. because sometimes it makes you feel better.
right now i feel like ingrid michaelson's song "keep breathing" is my theme. because i feel like sometimes all i can do is keep breathing, keep surviving the days and soon we will be complete again. by complete, i mean full-time. a full-time family...not a part-time family. excuse me for the harshness, but that's what it feels like right now. i'm bitter. i'll be the first to admit it and admit it i have done. probably not in the prettiest way but hey, sometimes you can't help how it comes out.....when it all builds up it just comes.
i've been trying with all my will and might to be strong. to remain glass half-full. but my glass is quickly becoming half-empty. and for me, this is very, very hard to admit. because i pride myself in being a glass half-full kinda girl. to look for the sunshine not the thunder clouds. and, unfortunately, it is starting to show. i'm frustrated with everything. there isn't much that doesn't foster frustration. and it makes me be the mommy i don't want to be. the one with the short fuse. the one who wants to have but doesn't have the energy for the endless bouts of creativity. the one who has leaned on the tv way more than she ever wanted to. the one who sometimes has to give herself a timeout in the garage before she does something she will regret (and that happens all too often).
i know this situation we have been put into has made it hard on you boys too. he's here. life is great. he's gone. the adjustment period starts all over again. we get adjusted to our part-time life and he's here again. life is great. then he has to leave again. it's a vicious circle that i'm losing the energy to fight. my heart and yours breaks all over again. the tears come at bedtime. the requests for 4-wheeler rides. the fallen face when you realize that he's not coming home again for a few weeks. and the littlest, you're soon to start figuring it out too. and then i'll have two fallen faces and double the tears (triple the tears if you count mine). these last few weeks, you've both seen more of my tears than i've ever wanted you to. i know that it's good for you to see me sad too but probably not this much. yet, another thing i'm harboring guilt for.
i feel guilty because i know this is nothing compared to the real life that some people have. the heart aches and the dilemmas. that i'm too caught up in my own melodrama and need to appreciate what i have. but that's what i do. i'm caught up in it. i can't shake it. and believe me, i've been trying really hard to shake it. do i feel guilty for that, of course. does that change anything, no. strike me down now. but that's who i am.
please know that i'm trying with all my heart and soul to remain strong. to be that rock that you need me to be. please know that daddy doesn't enjoy this either. he didn't choose this for us. it was chosen for him. and right now, it's what we have. he's searching for answers for us. but they don't always come easily. please know that i pray every night for the strength and guidance to be the best mommy i can be to both of you. i'm sorry if i have let you down a few times in the past few weeks. they were weak moments. moments that i'm glad are in the past. moments that i hope we find an end to soon.
i'm a goal-oriented girl and all i'm asking for is an end. give me a time frame. give me something to look forward to. something to grasp on to and pull me through the difficult times. because i can't do this forever. it's been almost seven months so far and it feels like it's been so, so much longer. i want to parent as two all the time....not part of the time.
i want to be strong and muddle our way through, but where i come from, this is not normal. it's not a way of life. it's definitely not a way to raise a family. so that is where i leave it. i pray that an end is in our near future. i pray that i can keep it together for you. be strong. be the mommy that i am all the time not part of the time. i keep trying to remember that this will only make us stronger in the end. that we will appreciate time and togetherness more.
to my sweet boys. know that you're mommy loves you with all her heart and soul. she would do anything, anything for you. thank you for hanging in there. for lifting me up with your silliness and smiles. for being the glue that holds me together during the weak moments. for loving me entirely.
i love you to the moon and back!
right now i feel like ingrid michaelson's song "keep breathing" is my theme. because i feel like sometimes all i can do is keep breathing, keep surviving the days and soon we will be complete again. by complete, i mean full-time. a full-time family...not a part-time family. excuse me for the harshness, but that's what it feels like right now. i'm bitter. i'll be the first to admit it and admit it i have done. probably not in the prettiest way but hey, sometimes you can't help how it comes out.....when it all builds up it just comes.
i've been trying with all my will and might to be strong. to remain glass half-full. but my glass is quickly becoming half-empty. and for me, this is very, very hard to admit. because i pride myself in being a glass half-full kinda girl. to look for the sunshine not the thunder clouds. and, unfortunately, it is starting to show. i'm frustrated with everything. there isn't much that doesn't foster frustration. and it makes me be the mommy i don't want to be. the one with the short fuse. the one who wants to have but doesn't have the energy for the endless bouts of creativity. the one who has leaned on the tv way more than she ever wanted to. the one who sometimes has to give herself a timeout in the garage before she does something she will regret (and that happens all too often).
i know this situation we have been put into has made it hard on you boys too. he's here. life is great. he's gone. the adjustment period starts all over again. we get adjusted to our part-time life and he's here again. life is great. then he has to leave again. it's a vicious circle that i'm losing the energy to fight. my heart and yours breaks all over again. the tears come at bedtime. the requests for 4-wheeler rides. the fallen face when you realize that he's not coming home again for a few weeks. and the littlest, you're soon to start figuring it out too. and then i'll have two fallen faces and double the tears (triple the tears if you count mine). these last few weeks, you've both seen more of my tears than i've ever wanted you to. i know that it's good for you to see me sad too but probably not this much. yet, another thing i'm harboring guilt for.
i feel guilty because i know this is nothing compared to the real life that some people have. the heart aches and the dilemmas. that i'm too caught up in my own melodrama and need to appreciate what i have. but that's what i do. i'm caught up in it. i can't shake it. and believe me, i've been trying really hard to shake it. do i feel guilty for that, of course. does that change anything, no. strike me down now. but that's who i am.
please know that i'm trying with all my heart and soul to remain strong. to be that rock that you need me to be. please know that daddy doesn't enjoy this either. he didn't choose this for us. it was chosen for him. and right now, it's what we have. he's searching for answers for us. but they don't always come easily. please know that i pray every night for the strength and guidance to be the best mommy i can be to both of you. i'm sorry if i have let you down a few times in the past few weeks. they were weak moments. moments that i'm glad are in the past. moments that i hope we find an end to soon.
i'm a goal-oriented girl and all i'm asking for is an end. give me a time frame. give me something to look forward to. something to grasp on to and pull me through the difficult times. because i can't do this forever. it's been almost seven months so far and it feels like it's been so, so much longer. i want to parent as two all the time....not part of the time.
i want to be strong and muddle our way through, but where i come from, this is not normal. it's not a way of life. it's definitely not a way to raise a family. so that is where i leave it. i pray that an end is in our near future. i pray that i can keep it together for you. be strong. be the mommy that i am all the time not part of the time. i keep trying to remember that this will only make us stronger in the end. that we will appreciate time and togetherness more.
to my sweet boys. know that you're mommy loves you with all her heart and soul. she would do anything, anything for you. thank you for hanging in there. for lifting me up with your silliness and smiles. for being the glue that holds me together during the weak moments. for loving me entirely.
i love you to the moon and back!
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