Until Now

I couldn't bring myself to write it down until now. I'm still trying to keep that moment fresh in my memory, but I know from experience it will fade.

You see, that memory, is me nursing you that very last time.

In the quiet of the morning. Snuggled in your chair. You're face still angelic with sleepy eyes. Those big, deep drink-you in eyes. Your little hand wrapped around my finger. Every once in a while reaching up to lightly touch my cheek or nose. Doing what we did best.

You were a pro from the very first time. We could find each other in the dark from the time you were only a week old. It was our comfort. My solitude.

As you got older, I would have to take you into your room to nurse. There was so much going on around you, and you were always so interested. We would pick up and go cuddle in our chair.

It was around this same time with your brother that my milk supply really started to slow down. I had hoped this time would be different, and I could take you to a year like I'd always had planned. My body had other plans. I tried with all my being to stretch it out as far as I could, but to no avail, I couldn't make it work. Even being a slave to my pump was doing nothing. I tried littlest one. I tried so much it was making me crazy.

It was then that I realized I just needed to be okay with the end dawning near. To savor the last few times and breath in each moment. I knew I had done my best for you.

I won't lie, the transition to formula and bottles more frequently, has not been the easiest. You did not give up without a fight. You've made me work for this. But I think I can finally say that we have made the transition. You have moved on.

It was a wonderful journey, and I thank you for the memories. A chapter closed. Another started. Oh how you make my heart swell. Sweetest memories of my sweetest Bug.