Rough

To My Boys,
It's been a rough few days for us. I. Am. Sorry. I'll be the first to admit, I don't do the daddy being gone thing very well.

I've woke up the past few mornings and said I was going to try really hard to not get to that point. You know that point. Where you become That Mommy. That Mommy you never want to be. That Mommy that sneaks out and takes over. She's no fun. She makes me sad and frustrated when I've morphed into her.

But it's hard when I'm spent and then the buttons keep getting pushed harder and harder. When I ask over and over for something and the opposite happens. When the Target parking lot becomes a mat to roll on for a little boy with legs that are made out of spaghetti all of a sudden. When a certain little boy screams and kicks the back of my seat all the way to church last night (where incidentally I prayed to God for my sanity, patience, and the weather to be cooperative for Daddy to come home).

When a little Bug won't take a bottle. Literally pushing it away and covering his face with his little arms. When I'm fighting a losing battle with my milk supply. Pumping like a mad mama. Drinking Mother's Milk tea like it's water. Drinking water like I live in the Sahara (yes, my bladder is on overdrive). Trying to deny the obvious. When my littlest man refuses to sleep longer than 3-4 hours at night for the last two weeks. Exhaustion has set in and makes That Mommy show her ugly face more than I'd like.

For all of this, I'm so very sorry. For the tears I shed in the bathroom tonight after bath time. A moment of weakness hit me and I couldn't hide them from the two of you. I upset you both and didn't mean to. But Monkey you took me in the sweetest most gentle hug ever and asked "all better?" And yes, you're huge heart took me in and made me all better. Thank you sweet love.

And Bug, you took your bottle (a cocktail just for you of quarter formula and three quarters Mommy's Milk) at bedtime without a hitch. Sucked it dry and then sacked out in my arms. Your sweet little pudgy arms crossed across your chest and those long wispy eyelashes tickling your chubby cheeks.

So to both of you, thank you for being my little supports to lean on tonight. I needed it more than you'll ever know. I love you both more than you'll ever know. Please always know and believe that! Sweet dreams!
Love always,
Your Mommy