Glimpse of the future...

Tonight may have been a glimpse of what our future is eventually going to be like with our son. Let me preface this by explaining that it is the first night in 4 weeks that he has not cried and screamed his eyes out once. I explained this strange phenomenon to my pediatrician at his 1 month appointment, and how he would start to fuss EVERY night between 6-7 PM since he turned 3 weeks. From the fuss, it turned into an all out crying and screaming marathon. These would last anywhere from 2-4 hours. After which my husband and I would be completely and utterly exhausted both emotionally, mentally, and physically. We did not understand how our sweet baby boy had turned into this crying machine. There is nothing worse in the world than to not be able to soothe your newborn baby. It makes you feel like a complete failure as a parent. We would eventually turn on each other because we were so frustrated and worn out from listening to him cry.

We tried everything. We rocked, walked, bounced, swaddled, shhhed, swung, burped, fed, pumped legs, rubbed tummies, dimmed lights, played music, sang songs, gave Gripe Water (that was one of our worst nights after that), put him in every position possible (other than hang him from his toes), and I've now taken dairy out of my diet for over a week. We got suggestions and opinions from everyone and their brother. When we thought we had something figured out one night, the next night he would pitch a fit over it.

I found myself wishing the months away until we could reach that magic month 3 when it was all suppose to stop (according to everyone). I doubted my abilities as a mother. I had this perfect pregnancy, so I was going to have this "perfect" child. What had I done wrong? Was it because I worked nights and I had screwed up my baby's "rhythm" in utero? Was is the c-section b/c research shows that the chances of colic increase with a section....the baby's GI tract is decompressed like it would have been during a vaginal birth (I couldn't help the c-sec. though)? Was I eating something wrong and making my baby have horrible gas cramps? I was at a loss. Especially when it starting happening during the day too. Then I had people suggesting maybe reflux or MSPI (milk-soy protein intolerance). I was about to scream with all the information I was receiving. It was great but completely overwhelming at one point.

Then there are the people who say "look at the bright side, it's only temorary and it will eventually be gone"!!!!!!!!! Are you freaking kidding me? Come over to my house at about 7 PM and walk a mile in our shoes (literally....I think my husband has worn a track through the kitchen and dining room). Then tell me to look at the bright side! I JUST WANTED MY HAPPY BABY BACK!!!!!! And my relationship with my husband to go back to normal....it was strained!! His Daddy thinks his baby boy doesn't like him b/c every time he picks him up he starts into a fit. Not his Daddy's fault, just bad luck and timing that he gets home from work at 7 PM. He never gets to see the small glimpses of a happy boy b/c he is working away. And weekends lately have been just as bad as the nights, except all day long. It breaks my heart to hear my husband say he doesn't want to hold him b/c "all I do is make him mad and cry". My heart shatters to this. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

Then I received this wonderful email from a friend of a friend who showed me the light at the end of the tunnel. This girl is thousands of miles away and we've never met, but we bonded in this email over our experience. She too had a little one with colic. She let me know that it was okay to cry and get frustrated. That it was normal to love this little being so much but to absolutely hate and despise his crying. That the anxiety and the, do I dare say it, depression is normal and most likely short lived. That your love for your child and your husband will pull you through. To hang on to that baby boy and smother him with all the love you can give him b/c THAT is what's going to beat it and pull everyone through. Not to let the impatience and frustration win out. To thank God for this gift and know that God will pull you through. You can't spoil a newborn, so pick him up and love him with everything you have when he cries. That is the help he needs. To smell you and know that you are not leaving him alone to cry in this darkness known as colic. But to know that it's okay if you do have to walk a way for a few minutes when the crying has gotten the best of you and take a breath. Our baby will be okay and we're better parents for walking away and coming back half way refreshed. He will be okay for those few moments alone. That the smiles and the baby oohs and ahhs will pull you through the hard times!!

Our baby was full of smiles and his little baby gibberish tonight. He didn't cry except to tell us he was hungry and had dirty pants. We even went out to dinner with family, and he was an angel. Entertaining everyone with his chubby cheeks and bright eyes. He would crack a grin here and there, and melt everyone's heart. Is this a glimpse of the downhill? Have we tredged our journey uphill fighting the battle all the way and now are cresting toward the top? One can only pray (believe me I have numerous times tonight) and hope for this! If not, I am so thankful for this happy boy tonight. The one who laid on his back for the first time in weeks and entertained himself with his activity gym. His Dad and I can't hardly believe we had this night!! We count our lucky stars for this glimpse of the future!! If tomorrow we are back to crying, we will have this night to look back on and give us the strength to pull through!!