Getting It

I didn't want it to last so long that you started to get it.

What am I talking about? Daddy's job. The Slope. The two week hitch that he is gone.

You get it. You get it in a big way. You get it in a way I never wanted you to experience.

You know what it means when we tell you the night before Daddy leaves that he has to go to work tomorrow "on an airplane". You know now he's leaving for awhile. Your face falls, and the tears well up. You give a tighter good night hug than you normally would. You are back to constantly asking, over that two weeks, when Daddy is coming home. There was a time where you would quit asking after a few days had gone by. I chalked it up to something that seemed "normal" to you. A Daddy here, a Daddy gone. But I think you were just too little to get it.

What am I saying? You're still little. I just feel like we're making you be a bit more grown up than you should have to be. It's been over a year now that we've been doing this. A third of your little life. A long time.

You have starting saving parts of what we eat for dinner for your Daddy. A few blueberries here. Some crackers for our soup the other night. Half of your cheese slice. "No Mommy, those are for Daddy when he gets home!" And last night in church, your Auntie looked over, and you were crying quietly to yourself. Why? Because you were worried about him and missed him you told her. My. Heart. Breaks. When I got home from work, you told me that you were worried about me at church tonight. That you are so happy to see me!

Again, my heart breaks!

Because when I told you Friday night that I had to work the next day and that Grandma would be here in the morning when you woke up, you started crying and said "No Mommy! Please don't leave on an airplane! I don't want to see you on the computer". After a bit of reassurance, I was able to convince you that I would see you again tomorrow night. That I was not leaving on airplane to go to work. And that I would not have to Skype with you in order to see your face.

I'm sorry little man. I'm sorry you genetically have inherited my guilt and worry gene. You are too little to "worry" about your Mommy and Daddy! I don't know how to make it more right. I keep wishing and hoping that this stage will end soon. That the promises of working in town will ring true and quit being broken. I'm trying with all my power and might to stay strong for the two of you when it's just the three of us. I know that doesn't always happen and for that I am so very, very sorry. But we're trying to make the best of it.

Your Daddy loves you to the end of the Earth and back. Please know that he wants to be here. That hopefully we can make normal come back soon. It makes me so sad to know that you are already "worrying" about us. You should be worrying about which monster truck your going to play with or where you last left Zeeb. Not about whether your Mommy and Daddy are going to come home from work.

That makes my heart heavy little man. I love you so very much! We're going to make this right. I promise.