Takes the Cake

The sweetest thing you ever did see!

Keep Breathing

i have a million and one thoughts, quotes, pics, and randoms to post, but right now i need to get this off my chest. i told myself i wasn't going to do this. i wasn't going to blog about this. i wasn't going to include this in what has become a sort of baby book for my boys. i didn't want them to see twenty years down the road that their mama was weak or felt weak anyway. but i guess, we're all human right. we have our ups and our downs. maybe it will show them that it's okay to have these moments. to let it out. because sometimes it makes you feel better.

right now i feel like ingrid michaelson's song "keep breathing" is my theme. because i feel like sometimes all i can do is keep breathing, keep surviving the days and soon we will be complete again. by complete, i mean full-time. a full-time family...not a part-time family. excuse me for the harshness, but that's what it feels like right now. i'm bitter. i'll be the first to admit it and admit it i have done. probably not in the prettiest way but hey, sometimes you can't help how it comes out.....when it all builds up it just comes.

i've been trying with all my will and might to be strong. to remain glass half-full. but my glass is quickly becoming half-empty. and for me, this is very, very hard to admit. because i pride myself in being a glass half-full kinda girl. to look for the sunshine not the thunder clouds. and, unfortunately, it is starting to show. i'm frustrated with everything. there isn't much that doesn't foster frustration. and it makes me be the mommy i don't want to be. the one with the short fuse. the one who wants to have but doesn't have the energy for the endless bouts of creativity. the one who has leaned on the tv way more than she ever wanted to. the one who sometimes has to give herself a timeout in the garage before she does something she will regret (and that happens all too often).

i know this situation we have been put into has made it hard on you boys too. he's here. life is great. he's gone. the adjustment period starts all over again. we get adjusted to our part-time life and he's here again. life is great. then he has to leave again. it's a vicious circle that i'm losing the energy to fight. my heart and yours breaks all over again. the tears come at bedtime. the requests for 4-wheeler rides. the fallen face when you realize that he's not coming home again for a few weeks. and the littlest, you're soon to start figuring it out too. and then i'll have two fallen faces and double the tears (triple the tears if you count mine). these last few weeks, you've both seen more of my tears than i've ever wanted you to. i know that it's good for you to see me sad too but probably not this much. yet, another thing i'm harboring guilt for.

i feel guilty because i know this is nothing compared to the real life that some people have. the heart aches and the dilemmas. that i'm too caught up in my own melodrama and need to appreciate what i have. but that's what i do. i'm caught up in it. i can't shake it. and believe me, i've been trying really hard to shake it. do i feel guilty for that, of course. does that change anything, no. strike me down now. but that's who i am.

please know that i'm trying with all my heart and soul to remain strong. to be that rock that you need me to be. please know that daddy doesn't enjoy this either. he didn't choose this for us. it was chosen for him. and right now, it's what we have. he's searching for answers for us. but they don't always come easily. please know that i pray every night for the strength and guidance to be the best mommy i can be to both of you. i'm sorry if i have let you down a few times in the past few weeks. they were weak moments. moments that i'm glad are in the past. moments that i hope we find an end to soon.

i'm a goal-oriented girl and all i'm asking for is an end. give me a time frame. give me something to look forward to. something to grasp on to and pull me through the difficult times. because i can't do this forever. it's been almost seven months so far and it feels like it's been so, so much longer. i want to parent as two all the time....not part of the time.

i want to be strong and muddle our way through, but where i come from, this is not normal. it's not a way of life. it's definitely not a way to raise a family. so that is where i leave it. i pray that an end is in our near future. i pray that i can keep it together for you. be strong. be the mommy that i am all the time not part of the time. i keep trying to remember that this will only make us stronger in the end. that we will appreciate time and togetherness more.

to my sweet boys. know that you're mommy loves you with all her heart and soul. she would do anything, anything for you. thank you for hanging in there. for lifting me up with your silliness and smiles. for being the glue that holds me together during the weak moments. for loving me entirely.

i love you to the moon and back!

One

Sweetest Nick~

I still remember the day we met you like it was yesterday. You were coming whether I was ready or not (and, no, I wasn't ready...but I got ready real quick). You wanted your own day and not one that had been picked for you. Granting your Momma her surprise that she loves so much. There wasn't a moment to slow down and think about what was happening.

Before we knew it, we were in that operating room just praying for you to take that first sweet breath and show us what your beautiful voice sounded like. This time, though, you took your own time (a little too much time as far as we were concerned), but then you let go the most beautiful sound a Momma ever hears. That first cry of wonderment! And fall, oh did we fall for you sweet boy! It's unbelievable the rush of love I had for you. Takes my breath away just thinking about it.


Photo by S. Jordan Photography

You had (and still have) the biggest brown eyes I had ever seen. From that first moment, you have never stopped taking it all in. Your eyes are certainly the window to your soul my sweet boy. And what a beautiful and sunny soul that is!

I remember your Daddy saying, when it was just the four of us alone for the first time, that he really felt like we were a complete family now. Us and our two boys. Could life get any better than this? You completed our circle of love.

You have been the glue that this family needed. God knew what we needed when he hand picked you for our family. You are the laid back one. The go-with-the-flow one. You don't complain when your naps get all outta wack. You are content to stand back and let your brother roar through life in front of you. You are willing to sit back and take it all in.

We were way more relaxed this time. Your personality is evidence of that. You still haven't met a stranger. Always eager to flash that big grin and jabber your way into the heart of anyone who meets you. There is a sparkle about you....all the time.

A part of me feels sorry for how you sometimes get the second limelight. For all the toys that get snatched out of your hands. For the times you get bowled over by a rambunctious, yet fun loving older brother. For the books that haven't gotten read to you. For the clothes that weren't brand spankin' new. For the times you have to wait while I avert my attention to another "pressing" matter. But, in my heart, I know that all these moments are making you even stronger. Even more ready to conquer the world.

And conquer the world is what you are going to do. For you are going to do great things, Littlest One. Part of me can't wait to see the man you become. The compassion you will give. The spirit you will spread. The love you will give.

You are my peace and serenity. My little slice of Heaven. For now, I just want to watch you grow. To continue to enjoy every little moment you encounter.

Sweet wishes Baby Nick on this first of many grand birthdays!
We love you so!

Maybe

~Maybe it's because summer is coming to a screeching halt and fall is fast approaching...made evident by all the freshly fallen leaves in my driveway yesterday morning.

~Maybe it's the 28 consecutive days of rain.

~Maybe it's that my sweet, sweet baby boy is turning one (yes, turning one) this week. Where o' where has the last year gone.

~Maybe it's that my biggest sweet boy is continuing to challenge my every action or word, and then rewarding me with sweet nothings when I lay with him at night talking about the day.

~Maybe it's that Jeff's schedule is really starting to get to me. Trying to stay glass half -full but my glass is tipping to the half-empty side more and more lately.

~Maybe it's that I've felt like someone inserted razor blades in my throat this weekend for the 2nd time in TWO weeks......so much that I can barely swallow my own saliva. Sorry, TMI.

~Maybe it's the family and friends so far away creeping in on me. Always happens about this time after I come home from a long trip back home (did ya get that).

~Maybe it's that I'm so tired of trying to explain to my boy where his Daddy is at (I want Daddy to come home to my house!) and trying to explaining to a 2 year old how many more days before he gets home.

~Maybe it's getting that wonderful Daddy home only to have him leave 5 days later to go hunt the elusive moose. Watching him kiss his boys good-bye and leave with red eyes because he knows that his heart is not with the moose but with his two little sprites that he doesn't get to see enough. Going with his Dad to share that rare father-son bonding.

~Maybe, just maybe, this is why I'm so teary and not myself lately. Wasn't trying to go for a sob story here. Just kinda happened. I don't want pity. I just want some answers. I don't know that there are any good, easy answers though. And, maybe, that's the toughest part.

High Five

Alot of "out of the mouth of Gabe" lately, but seriously, this kid has been a crack up!

After checking out at Target Saturday morning, I needed to use the bathroom. So I drag both boys with me and venture down to the big stall. I'm sitting on the toilet with Nick on my lap (yes, the things we mommy's do), and Gabe wondering around the stall. He comes up next to me, looks in the back of the toilet, and says "yeah, you did big poopy Mommy. Gimme a high five (because it's been high fives all around at our house for FIVE days in a row)!"

So, as I'm juggling an 11 month old on my lap and handing out high fives, I'm secretly thanking the potty Gods that it's 8:30 in the morning on a Saturday, and we are the only ones in the bathroom to get the broadcast on my potty escapade!!

Sneak Peak

Really Expensive Toes

Spa Pedicure: $40

Pampering minus the boys: priceless (and much needed)

Backing into somebody in the parking after being recharged and refreshed: $$$$$ (well worth an "oh s*%t" when I heard the thump and a "f*%k" when I looked in the rear view mirror and say a six inch piece of my bumper wedged under the rim of her hubcap)

Needless to say, it was not the ending I had envisioned to my morning that was suppose to be focused on beautifying my sadly neglected feet. Instead it became a morning about punching six inch holes in my bumper and making me feel like the biggest idiot!! Thankfully, she didn't even act like she cared (double thankfully, I only scratched her hubcap). Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure my insurance is going to care.

In Hubby's words, "it's just a car. nobody was hurt. and that's why we have insurance." Eased the wounded pride a wee bit.