Deep Enough

Today was one of those days where I felt like all I did was pick up messes, change wet big boy pants (the first three changes within an hour of each other), break up feuds, wipe away tears, and fight whiny battles. My patience minimal. I bite quickly and forgive slowly. By dinner, I felt like I was muttering under my breath repeatedly and tensing my jaw way too frequently. My tongue was bleeding from biting it.

I swear they sense it too. My weakness. My frustration. My lack of understanding for why the toys haven't been picked up after requesting it fifteen thousand times. I know that's where I have gone wrong, by asking fifteen thousand times and not doing something about it after asking once without any results. But today was not a day for doing by the books. It was a day where I sit down on the couch after putting said two year old back in bed seven times and wishing I had taken a deeper breath and stayed true to the mommy I know I can be. But I didn't breath deep enough. I bit too many times.

And, consequently, when I finally sank into the couch, the tears flowed. You know the ones. The frustrated ones. The disappointed ones. The ones that were sad because it was suppose to be that day. A day where we stayed home. All day! That rarely happens. It was gonna be a crafting day. Another cookie making day. A snuggle in because it's freakin' cold outside kinda day.

But it wasn't.

Too many expectations. Trying to make it all that it's suppose to be. This Christmas thing. But I'm finding it a wee bit hard this year with all the goings on back home, with hubs gone, with the exhaustion that I can't seem to get a grip on. The small disappointment that I'm still hanging on to that my trip wasn't the trip I had envisioned. Parts definitely were, don't get me wrong. But I had visions of sugar plums and well, life happened. Like the part of life that no one wants to ever face. And there's no controlling that....but well, there's a small part of me that is a control freak and that part is freaking out because it couldn't and can't control those parts of life. And some of those parts still don't have the answers that we are so desperately waiting on. The hiccups. The uncertainty. The frustration with why the process is failing us. Answers. All life's dilemmas are made easier with answers. And I, and I think I speak for the rest of my family, want the freaking answers. So we can go on. Plan. Progress. Treat. Take in the moment. Whatever we need to do it. We need to do it. But we can't without answers.

And then I keep going back to that weekend where I stood in a standing room only chapel for the funeral of a husband. A husband of a sweet, dear friend of mine from college. A husband who left behind a 19 month old son. God must have really needed him bad up there because he is needed so bad back here. Talk about humbling. To stand at a funeral for someone the same age as you. Especially when we've all grown up. We all have our families and our homes and our lives. Hit way too close to home. I asked God to forgive me for all the bitchin' and complaining I'd done lately about Jeff and his being away from home for work. Because at least he came home. At least I slept in a warm bed every once in a blue moon. At least my boys had a daddy to give bumps and high fives to. Even if it seems like it's through the magic of Skype more than in the flesh. I'll never begin to understand what my friend is going through. I only hope and pray I never find out.

So forgive me for the downer of a post. But it just all hit tonight. The exhaustion. The promised answers still lingering. And the frustrations of the day that didn't go as planned. Sometimes it feels like I'm not enough. Like I have so much to give but the light is warning me I'm almost empty. But as I sit here typing away, spilling my inner weaknesses, bathed in the light of the Christmas tree, I am thankful and grateful. Grateful for my health. For my complete family. For my realization that it's okay to have a day like today because at least I can have a day like today. And then I can hope for a better day the next day.

So I end here friends. And I go in and retuck, rekiss, and recharge my reserves with the sweet smell of sleeping babies.

33

my day started with a little present that you can't open. boys that slept until 8:00! and for a momma who adores being able to sleep in this was a fantastic start to my day! we bundled up and headed to Freddie's for doughnuts. doughnuts with sparkles, "not sprinkles mom". and little trip around the store in the seldom available race car cart! picking out extra fuzzy and snugly Christmas jammies. before bundling back up and heading home!

at home, we made yummy peanut blossom cookies and ate lunch. then nap time was uneventful. and by uneventful, i mean i got a little bit of me time....momma time....bliss! then we bundled up again and headed to the tool store (aka. Home Depot) to visit Santa. gabe was really excited that he was making a special stop in our town on the way back to North Pole. he could barely contain his excitement when we walked in. he ran straight up to him, climbed up in his lap, and chatted with him for at least 5 minutes!! another unopenable present, seeing the magic of Christmas in your little one's eyes!

nicholas, on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with Santa. he couldn't even wave at him without buckets of tears erupting. i did manage to get him close enough so that he could snatch a candy cane out of his hand, but no pictures were to be had. kinda funny that last year i only had a picture of nick with santa (bc gabe wouldn't come within 20 feet of him) and this year i only have a picture of gabe with him. maybe next year i'll get lucky and get them both with the man in red!



Enjoying his Santa loot!

then we headed out for some yummo mexican food. we tried out a new place in town and were pleasantly surprised with the yumminess! good company, good food, good conversation. thank you jalapenos!

off we went again, to grandpa and grandma's for cake and ice cream! i have the most wonderful in-laws. they took it upon themselves to plan this little get-together because they knew jeff was gone to work. they knew how much family means to me and made sure my day was not forgotten.  for that, i'm grateful! my mother-in-law made me red velvet cake from scratch, and it was delish!

to many, this may have seemed like an ordinary day (with the exception of the yummo cake). but to me, it was nothing but extraordinary. over the past year, i have truly learned the value of time and that time that you have with your family. there is nothing more precious than the time you have with the ones you love the most. i've never been one who needs to be wined and dined. to be honest, it actually kinda makes me a little uncomfortable. so to have an ordinary day on my 33rd birthday, that is what is extraordinary! nothing better than a little love and fun with the little ones in my life to make this momma a happy, smiley birthday mommy!

Us

You and Me


Yes, it's from this summer bc we're always too busy taking pics of the kids that we forget about us!



Equal This!!



A comical attempt to get a group shot!

And a little bit of this!

I think the cheetah and camo print speak for themselves!!



With something a little sweet on top!

I'm pretty sure he's patting her knee saying "just hold on, I've got it all under control"!

They just ooze sweetness!

I miss that so very much, but I am also so grateful that we were able to have the little bit of time that we did. I wish like crazy that I could wiggle my nose and be back there. Amid all the kiddo craziness. The car seat trades. The real coffee. My boys surrounded by purple and pink. Shrieks of laughter and so many little feet scampering about. Late night talks and way too early risers. Baby tears and best friend tears. Finishing each others thoughts in real time. Face-to-face. Hug-to-hug. Leaning on each other when the other half is doing what they do best.
Grateful and blessed my bestest friend. He truly blessed me when He brought us together so many years ago. When we were J's age. Gosh to think it.....amazing! And then to reconnect us so many years later. To pick up without a hitch. Not even an awkward moment. And to be here. Where we are today. It blows my mind and makes my heart skip a beat all at the same time!
He gave us a gift. A gift that I cherish! A gift that I open on a daily basis. A gift that has many times pulled me through the toughest times and stood by me through the best times! I can't fathom to guess where it's going to continue to guide us. But I know I can't wait to see! You're friendship is my rock Lisa Jean! I love you like you are my sister. And I'm already counting the time until I get to sit up late with you again. Cherishing the silence of sleeping babes. Finishing each other's thoughts.....and the package of double stuff oreos!

I love you!

Tub Talk

• Gabe in the bathtub tonight....

"Boys don't need soap Mom!"
Oh honey, boys need soap more than you'll ever know!

• Gabe's ocean friends were having a tussle over an imaginary toy in the tub tonight, and when one knocked the other for a loop, I suggested maybe he teach his friends how to share the "toy"! His reply,

"They don't like to share Mom!"
"Hmm, how come?"
"Because they don't. It's not fun Mom!"

I guess that's why we had a "tussle" this morning when I suggested he share the truck with Nick.

Silly Mom...what was I thinking today....soap and sharing....good grief!

Oreos Anybody?

best part

I've decided the best part about going to work is coming home. Not because I don't like to go to work and all I can think about is coming home when I'm there. Because that's truly not the case. I absolutely love my job....no my profession. God blessed me when a certain friend introduced me to a certain Aunt Joni who let me shadow her one day. I was sold! I loved what I saw and couldn't wait to be one of them. A scrubs wearing, stethoscope toting, syringe wielding nurse!! And I've loved it from day one!

Don't get me wrong, most days are so crazy that I feel like I don't know my head from my ass. Which is a good thing to know as a nurse.....I promise! And there are days like today when I want to scream multiple times throughout my shift.....at the doctors who keep coming and coming and writing and writing new orders; at the radiologist who will not read my xray and is holding up (like 6 hours holding up) starting tube feeding on a little old sweet as sugar grandma who needs her nutrition now PLEASE not 6 hours from now; at the lift team for not calling me back and making the same sweet little grandma continue to sit in her wheelchair for an extra hour because I'm not going to break my back or my fellow nurses backs transferring her back to bed; at said patient who will not stop whining about not feeling good yet continues to gobble down her food....for the love, where's the discharge order when you need one; not getting to sit down for the first six hours of your shift; at the poo that continues to spew....sorry for the visual!!

But then there's the accomplishment of getting out of bed for the first time after losing your leg above the knee; the great news that they were able to get all the cancer cut out; sweet grandma smiles and stories...oh the stories; teamwork....man are we one heck of a team on our unit; my manager suddenly appearing with the oatmeal I had mentioned I wanted to get from the cafeteria but knew I was never going to get the chance to break away and get; and the feeling of knowing you made a difference when you walk down that hallway at the end of the night, keys in hand, pony tail a little wild and scrubs a bit more wrinkled than when you walked in.

Even better than all that. The best part of my day. Walking into my kitchen and getting the biggest hug my little man can give me. Hearing " I missed you Mommy!" and "How was your day today?". "Did you give out lots of hugs and medicine?". He can't stop wiggling and jumping with excitement. He jabbers nonstop for five minutes about everything he did today. Not forgetting to tell me how baby brother was and when he cried and what he cried about. All the while, sharing handfuls of popcorn with me.

That is the best part of my day!

random

• first off, i need some serious blogger help. i need a study guide, how-to-guide, tutor, blogger for dummies, whatever. i just need it. bc this seriously frustrates the hell out of me (yes, i said hell and i could've added some more color to it but i held back). it took me an hour....ONE HOUR.....to do that last blog bc it kept moving my pics to the end and then wouldn't let me put them back, etc, etc, etc. drives me nuts. i sometimes think that's why i don't blog as much as i'd like bc i always end up fighting with the entry unless it's just a plain ole' blog. which, don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with a plain ole' blog but i like to add some sweetness to it most of the time! i finally just gave up and posted the mess that i had....ugh. i wish i was computer literate like my little brother.....
• 23 days gone + 5 1/2 days home + already gone again + another "two week" hitch = grumpy momma
• love all things orange and fall but the snow is really making me think christmas already. i don't like to pass up the turkey and all, but it's tapping me on the shoulder this year.
• starbucks peppermint mocha = a little slice of heaven in a pretty red cup
• danced our hearts out watching the ACM awards show tonight. i love a good awards show. and the country music industry never lets you down!
• i'm ready for some midwestern love and recharging.....oh am i ever ready. like i've never been before!
• thank you god for dense tissue. she has nerves a steel but you were starting to get the better part of those nerves. that was the answer she needed. the little glimpse of rainbow through the rainy cloud that keeps following her. thank you, thank you, thank you!
• the wind is hollowing right now. my alarm clock is going to go off in six hours. work is going to be nutty. i need to break away and close these eyes before i really get going. let the wind lull me to sleep.