Giddy Up

We took a field trip with our playschool group to an equestrian center. Gabe was beyond excited to see the horses! Knowing that he was going to get the chance to ride was making me giddy with excitement too! Secretly, I've always dreamed of having my own horse. I'm okay with the fact that it will probably never play out in real life (ie. Hubs is not fond of horses at all....stemming from being bucked off when he was little.). A girl can still dream though!

Waiting for their turn!

I wasn't sure if Gabe would want to ride or not. He's not one for being up on stage. He doesn't like a lot of people watching him when he knows it's happening. So, needless to say, I was keeping my fingers crossed for the ride. And boy did he make his Momma proud! He sat up there like it was something he did every day! And talked about it for days!!

Yeah, up in the saddle!

When do we say "giddy up"!

And he's off....not happy or anything :)

I was beaming with pride at this point!

She was such a pretty, gentle horse too! She gave rides to 12 little ones that day!

My little cowboy!

Thanking her with a little carrot love!

He couldn't wait to go back and visit the horses again someday!! Either can I Gabers ;)

13~14~15~16~17

My sweet baby Nick! All your months together! Where does the time go littlest one? You are the sparkle in our lives and the sweet that we needed! Your Momma is so sorry I clumped them all together, but you have rolled with the punches since the day you were born. You shine no less, just want to spend all my time kissing ya instead of here! Without waiting anymore, here you are!!

13 months



14 months

15 months

16 months



17 months

XOXO,
Your Mommy

A Few of My Favorite Things

These are a few of my favorite things!



Notice Gabe's excavator nestled in his tree branches!

goodbye

tomorrow we go to say goodbye. we race against time to try be there for the closure. for the one last touch. for the one last kiss. for the one last glance. we say goodbye and hold tight to the memories. for they are what makes this struggle a bit easier. knowing that her struggle and pain will be over makes it a bit more bearable. knowing that she is going to a place so completely and utterly amazing. so much better than the world we live in. and that must be pretty darn unbelievable bc this world is a pretty cool place with some really neat people.

all this doesn't necessarily make saying goodbye easier. it just grants us a reason for the end. an end to an amazing life. an amazing example of love, faith, hard work, and courage.

fifty-seven years they were married. yes, fifty-seven. the fifty-seventh being celebrated just six days ago. he is going to miss her like nobody can imagine. we will miss her like crazy. we already do.

she is truly an inspiration to all....we love you grandma!

Deep Enough

Today was one of those days where I felt like all I did was pick up messes, change wet big boy pants (the first three changes within an hour of each other), break up feuds, wipe away tears, and fight whiny battles. My patience minimal. I bite quickly and forgive slowly. By dinner, I felt like I was muttering under my breath repeatedly and tensing my jaw way too frequently. My tongue was bleeding from biting it.

I swear they sense it too. My weakness. My frustration. My lack of understanding for why the toys haven't been picked up after requesting it fifteen thousand times. I know that's where I have gone wrong, by asking fifteen thousand times and not doing something about it after asking once without any results. But today was not a day for doing by the books. It was a day where I sit down on the couch after putting said two year old back in bed seven times and wishing I had taken a deeper breath and stayed true to the mommy I know I can be. But I didn't breath deep enough. I bit too many times.

And, consequently, when I finally sank into the couch, the tears flowed. You know the ones. The frustrated ones. The disappointed ones. The ones that were sad because it was suppose to be that day. A day where we stayed home. All day! That rarely happens. It was gonna be a crafting day. Another cookie making day. A snuggle in because it's freakin' cold outside kinda day.

But it wasn't.

Too many expectations. Trying to make it all that it's suppose to be. This Christmas thing. But I'm finding it a wee bit hard this year with all the goings on back home, with hubs gone, with the exhaustion that I can't seem to get a grip on. The small disappointment that I'm still hanging on to that my trip wasn't the trip I had envisioned. Parts definitely were, don't get me wrong. But I had visions of sugar plums and well, life happened. Like the part of life that no one wants to ever face. And there's no controlling that....but well, there's a small part of me that is a control freak and that part is freaking out because it couldn't and can't control those parts of life. And some of those parts still don't have the answers that we are so desperately waiting on. The hiccups. The uncertainty. The frustration with why the process is failing us. Answers. All life's dilemmas are made easier with answers. And I, and I think I speak for the rest of my family, want the freaking answers. So we can go on. Plan. Progress. Treat. Take in the moment. Whatever we need to do it. We need to do it. But we can't without answers.

And then I keep going back to that weekend where I stood in a standing room only chapel for the funeral of a husband. A husband of a sweet, dear friend of mine from college. A husband who left behind a 19 month old son. God must have really needed him bad up there because he is needed so bad back here. Talk about humbling. To stand at a funeral for someone the same age as you. Especially when we've all grown up. We all have our families and our homes and our lives. Hit way too close to home. I asked God to forgive me for all the bitchin' and complaining I'd done lately about Jeff and his being away from home for work. Because at least he came home. At least I slept in a warm bed every once in a blue moon. At least my boys had a daddy to give bumps and high fives to. Even if it seems like it's through the magic of Skype more than in the flesh. I'll never begin to understand what my friend is going through. I only hope and pray I never find out.

So forgive me for the downer of a post. But it just all hit tonight. The exhaustion. The promised answers still lingering. And the frustrations of the day that didn't go as planned. Sometimes it feels like I'm not enough. Like I have so much to give but the light is warning me I'm almost empty. But as I sit here typing away, spilling my inner weaknesses, bathed in the light of the Christmas tree, I am thankful and grateful. Grateful for my health. For my complete family. For my realization that it's okay to have a day like today because at least I can have a day like today. And then I can hope for a better day the next day.

So I end here friends. And I go in and retuck, rekiss, and recharge my reserves with the sweet smell of sleeping babies.

33

my day started with a little present that you can't open. boys that slept until 8:00! and for a momma who adores being able to sleep in this was a fantastic start to my day! we bundled up and headed to Freddie's for doughnuts. doughnuts with sparkles, "not sprinkles mom". and little trip around the store in the seldom available race car cart! picking out extra fuzzy and snugly Christmas jammies. before bundling back up and heading home!

at home, we made yummy peanut blossom cookies and ate lunch. then nap time was uneventful. and by uneventful, i mean i got a little bit of me time....momma time....bliss! then we bundled up again and headed to the tool store (aka. Home Depot) to visit Santa. gabe was really excited that he was making a special stop in our town on the way back to North Pole. he could barely contain his excitement when we walked in. he ran straight up to him, climbed up in his lap, and chatted with him for at least 5 minutes!! another unopenable present, seeing the magic of Christmas in your little one's eyes!

nicholas, on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with Santa. he couldn't even wave at him without buckets of tears erupting. i did manage to get him close enough so that he could snatch a candy cane out of his hand, but no pictures were to be had. kinda funny that last year i only had a picture of nick with santa (bc gabe wouldn't come within 20 feet of him) and this year i only have a picture of gabe with him. maybe next year i'll get lucky and get them both with the man in red!



Enjoying his Santa loot!

then we headed out for some yummo mexican food. we tried out a new place in town and were pleasantly surprised with the yumminess! good company, good food, good conversation. thank you jalapenos!

off we went again, to grandpa and grandma's for cake and ice cream! i have the most wonderful in-laws. they took it upon themselves to plan this little get-together because they knew jeff was gone to work. they knew how much family means to me and made sure my day was not forgotten.  for that, i'm grateful! my mother-in-law made me red velvet cake from scratch, and it was delish!

to many, this may have seemed like an ordinary day (with the exception of the yummo cake). but to me, it was nothing but extraordinary. over the past year, i have truly learned the value of time and that time that you have with your family. there is nothing more precious than the time you have with the ones you love the most. i've never been one who needs to be wined and dined. to be honest, it actually kinda makes me a little uncomfortable. so to have an ordinary day on my 33rd birthday, that is what is extraordinary! nothing better than a little love and fun with the little ones in my life to make this momma a happy, smiley birthday mommy!

Us

You and Me


Yes, it's from this summer bc we're always too busy taking pics of the kids that we forget about us!



Equal This!!



A comical attempt to get a group shot!

And a little bit of this!

I think the cheetah and camo print speak for themselves!!



With something a little sweet on top!

I'm pretty sure he's patting her knee saying "just hold on, I've got it all under control"!

They just ooze sweetness!

I miss that so very much, but I am also so grateful that we were able to have the little bit of time that we did. I wish like crazy that I could wiggle my nose and be back there. Amid all the kiddo craziness. The car seat trades. The real coffee. My boys surrounded by purple and pink. Shrieks of laughter and so many little feet scampering about. Late night talks and way too early risers. Baby tears and best friend tears. Finishing each others thoughts in real time. Face-to-face. Hug-to-hug. Leaning on each other when the other half is doing what they do best.
Grateful and blessed my bestest friend. He truly blessed me when He brought us together so many years ago. When we were J's age. Gosh to think it.....amazing! And then to reconnect us so many years later. To pick up without a hitch. Not even an awkward moment. And to be here. Where we are today. It blows my mind and makes my heart skip a beat all at the same time!
He gave us a gift. A gift that I cherish! A gift that I open on a daily basis. A gift that has many times pulled me through the toughest times and stood by me through the best times! I can't fathom to guess where it's going to continue to guide us. But I know I can't wait to see! You're friendship is my rock Lisa Jean! I love you like you are my sister. And I'm already counting the time until I get to sit up late with you again. Cherishing the silence of sleeping babes. Finishing each other's thoughts.....and the package of double stuff oreos!

I love you!